Mack/3=X
One of my former employers used to get a bit bitchy when I’d inform him of a shortage in my pay check. He couldn’t understand how I could get upset about twenty-five to fifty dollars when he was dealing with deficits in the range of a grand to two hundred thousand. I tried to explain to him that it’s all relative. His dollar volume for his company was as important to him as mine was to my house hold and family. That fifty dollars is my hundred large. I think the same goes with people’s beings, their problems and issues. I think I am extremely different than my peers and that not many would understand what goes on in my head but in all honesty there are several million humans thinking the same exact thing. However, this five grapher aint about them, it’s about me. I am three different people depending my environment and who’s around me, or better yet, who’s not.
Jovial ol’ Mack, fun loving, charming husband, goof ball, bread winner for the fam, that’s what my wife, friends and family see. I do love to have a good time and want those around me to be happy, but truth be told most of my personality and behavior when surrounded by those closest to me is charade. I’m a loner, not like dark rebel sorts portrayed in the classic movies, nothing so glamorous as that. I just love to be alone. I’m so nervous when I’m around people that I wind myself up tighter than a turkeys touch-hole. So, I’ve become a pretty good actor, I plan what I’m going to do and rehearse what I’m going to say to steer things in a certain direction. I don’t stay up at night scripting tomorrow’s events or practice in the mirror. It is usually a lightning fast check list to make sure I don’t let what I’m really thinking come to surface. If I did it would probably go like this; “Attention-attention! In an orderly fashion, could all y’all asses please line up shortest to tallest and promptly leave my planet?” Since we all know that’s no way to be, I’ve trained myself to say “Yes dear.” Opposed to “What the hell makes my time less valuable than yours? Go get it yourself and leave me be!”
Work is a different story. I’m still grossly uncomfortable having to deal with people and shy away from any in depth socializing at work. But I think most of my coworkers would label me friendly and personable with a slight chance of temper flares. I’m still plotting my actions but fortunately I work in a field where it’s accepted and somewhat expected that attitudes and tempers will snap from time to time. I keep my head buried in my work as much as I can so I don’t have to deal with them too much and save my blow-outs for situations where I need a pressure relief. A prime example happened just last week. My co-worker and I were knocking tin when another crews foreman came up and tried to bully us out of our area as his work was more important. As our foreman wasn’t present he thought he’d get away with it. Sorry chief, real Mack is coming out. “Maybe you need to go to the tool crib and get a glass stomach, because apparently your heads up your ass and you can’t see you’ve walked into our area. You want us to leave, go talk to Mike, if he says we go, we go.” Wow, that felt good, now back to pretending to be a nice guy.
Solo-Mack. My favorite person to be. As I said I’m a loner. I can’t explain in words how I feel when there’s no one around, I’ve got the house to myself or I’m out in my shop. I don’t have to watch my language, I can think freely, mentally comment on people, things and ideas without feeling judged. I only have to deal with one ass and that’s me. I don’t get this time nearly enough for my tastes but maybe that makes it all the more valuable. I get more accomplished during these times because my mind is focused on the task at hand or no task at all and not fractured into thinking about what to say next, who’s around me, what should I do in this situation. There is a song by Garth Brooks and it’s one of my absolute favorites, it’s titled The man that I am when there’s no one around. Not all the words match up with me but the message is true. When I’m alone I am at my truest form.
Those are my three masks and I’m not sure what that makes me. Does M/3= a con artist? Does it equal a guy clever enough fake it to survive? Am I different from everyone else or just as different as everyone else? Would a profiler label me as a schizophrenic, anti-social narcissist with anger issues? Frankly I don’t care what it makes, it’s hard enough for me to do it, let alone break it down and understand it. And I don’t mind if the profiler profiles me like that, as long as he does it remotely and doesn’t have to actually talk to me.
I don't think m/3 makes you much different than a lot of people--or at least not much different than me. I have my game face for work ("Showtime!" I say when I start my live classes) and my fuck-you face for the rest of life. I spend all my work time with students and peers or on the computer communicating with students, but, out of work, I spend all my time with animals or alone (or, oh yeah, I suppose, my wife.)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this and offered you my personal reaction in place of a professional critique because the highest compliment I can pay is to react purely as a reader, knowing that in the case at hand no teacher work is necessary.
Thank you again for the compliments. It lifts the ego and confidence a bit to know I'm doing good. I get that same nervousness trying to express my view the way I want.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say I have no idea how you feel as a teacher dealing with students all day. I hope to some day as I've said I want to be an instructor. But if you have to deal with what I observe, you have my sympathy. I notice a lot of people that pay good money or get school paid for them and then don't want to try, and feel entitled to a passing grade with minimal effort. Or the worst in my opinion want to argue with the teacher or instructor who is usually trying to help.
I've been at it, man and boy, for nearly 40 years, so there really is not much new under the sun. To some extent you have to grow a shell and a certain amount of shit just rolls off. That's for the long haul.
ReplyDeleteMore interesting and better for everyone involved is when you begin to see effective tactics for enlisting people, selling them what you have on offer, jollying them out of their dysfunctional moments and pushing them back onto the track. That gives the teacher a good sense of mastery, of knowing what he's doing--and helps the student too.
Most of what I know about teaching I learned teaching at Job Corps--before Job Corps, I'd taught 12 years, but it was really only one year of experience times 12. My three years at Job Corps were worth a hundred years anywhere else.
Sometimes teachers can be dicks and students are right to argue! (Or do you want to argue with me about that?)